Mother was terrified of alcoholism and regularly regaled us with its evils. We often heard about her friends who became alcoholics after cooking with wine. What is more plausible is the story of her father, after WWI, in a drunken stupor, almost died, saw hell, quickly reformed and became a “hell fire and brimstone” circuit riding preacher (more about cult-like christianity in future blogs).

What I did not know until much later in my studies, families of abuse follow the same pattern as alcoholic families in the rules the children internalize, and the roles various members subsume. Following is a brief summary (clinical details in the next blog).

The Family Rules:   
1.  Don’t Talk-  Family members never talk about what is going on, certainly not to anybody outside of the nuclear family.
2. Don’t Trust- The parent has proven untrustworthy or abusive so many times, they cannot be relied on to provide basic security and support, the mistrust spilling over to outsiders.
3. Don’t Feel- The child’s emotions are now frozen and may be unable to recognize or express feelings to others.

Roles the Children May Assume:
– The Hero, good and responsible, overachiever, perfectionist, responsible, looks like he or she has it all together.
– The Enabler ensures family secrets are kept and that outsiders view them as a happy, well-functioning family.
– The Mediator works to keep peace in the family system.
– The Rescuer takes care of others’ needs and emotions, problem solving for others in the family.
– The Mascot or Clown reduces family tension and stress through humor, goofing around, or getting into trouble.
– The Scapegoat is blamed for all of the family problems.
– The Lost Child is quiet, isolated, spending much time on solitary activities (videos, internet, books) flying under the radar.

Through my writings thus far, you may be able to identify my roles which include mediator and rescuer. Our family rules, firmly entrenched, I found myself in various abusive, or unequal relationships through the ensuring years, finally finding understanding through my therapist.

Although, cognitively, I knew all of this information, and therapeutically, I had identified the abuse and my roles growing up in a dysfunctional family, now caring for my Mother at the end of her life, I found myself slipping back into old patterns.

It would have had no effect sharing these insights with Mother. With her diagnoses, she simply would dismiss, nothing was her fault, it was all others.

As the master manipulator, she was in her glory, especially stirring up discord between siblings. It is quite sad because this is the time of life siblings could be the best support. Unfortunately, siblings from dysfunctional families continue seeing each other as they were when young and still at home, not as the adults they have become (more about siblings in future blogs).

Do not let yourself become like me, exhausted and overwhelmed with the life decisions that need to be made, in addition to the daily care needs, along with facilitating family communications. Do not beat yourself up. Take care of yourself.