[This is for those interested in the psychological underpinnings of families living with addiction; focusing on abusive relationships, and on etiology and treatments, drawing on my personal and professional experiences as a family therapist, along with current research.]

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”
(Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy)

Families like mine, shaped to conform to happy outward appearances, hide patterns of abuse which mimic the patterns of substance abuse families. This would have mortified my Mother and others of her cult-like christianity.

Family Rules
Our family, as is typical in abuse systems, subconsciously followed three unwritten primary rules, along with several other secondary rules, leading to dire consequences for growing children, following them into adulthood. The details are as follows: 

1. Don’t Talk: To maintain the allusion of socially acceptable outward appearances, do not tell anybody what is going on. Control of verbiage is maintained through physical, emotional and verbal abuse, producing fear and mistrust of adults and outsiders.

Family members rationalize and make excuses for what is going on, and over time, the abuse seems normal. In our family we heard, “I am following the Bible,” “It is my duty as a parent to beat you so you will behave,” “I have to rid you of sinfulness,” etc. It was all shrouded with an air of mystery, nothing making sense or connecting to the abuse.

Not knowing how to find the words to express what they are living through, and fearing they would not be believed if they told what was going on, family members typically don’t talk about the abuse, hoping it will just go away.

2. Don’t Trust: Trust is based on confidence, faith, and reliability. However, continuing abuse proves the parent to be untrustworthy and unreliable, not supplying basic security and support. When the parent occasionally acts kindly, the child becomes suspicious, experiencing confusion from the parent’s mixed message.

Without support for what the child is living through, mistrust abounds through interactions with family members, spilling over to outsiders.

3. Don’t Feel: With the “don’t talk” and “don’t trust” rules firmly in place, the child is unable to identify, share or express their feelings. Living with this abuse, children are often in such desperation, their coping mechanisms include repression (ignoring, restraining, or hiding) their feelings. This can lead to not feeling anything at all.  

Other rules include:
– Don’t Think: just focus on what is going on without trying to make sense   
– Don’t Question what is happening (I incurred lasting welt marks from questioning)
– Don’t Ask or Expect Anything: you won’t get it and you will get punished
– Don’t Make a Mistake: it reflects badly on parents
– Be Mature at All Times

Family Roles
In addition to the rigid family rules, to cope with and reduce stress from unpredictable dysfunctional actions, family members develop behavior patterns which we refer to as “roles.” Rather than confronting the problem, these roles temporarily submerge the problem with resultant undesirable consequences. Although not perfect descriptions, roles include:

– The Hero takes on the task of maintaining the family’s appearance of normalcy, bringing esteem to the family. Seen as good and extremely responsible, they put pressure on themselves, becoming hard working and serious.  

The pressure of looking like he or she has it all together, the golden child becomes highly stressed, struggles with living up to the role, seeks external validation, overachieves, becoming a workaholic, perfectionist, Type A personality, in order to maintain a sense of personal control.

– The Enabler takes on the responsibility of making the family appear happy and well-functioning to outsiders. He or she ensures family secrets are kept by making excuses, controlling and holding the family together through deep denial and avoidance of problems.

By means of rationalization, a defense mechanism which supplies seemingly logical reasons to justify abusive behavior, this person attempts to find reasons for dysfunctional behaviors. Enablers may even take responsibility for the family dysfunction, enabling abusive behaviors to continue.

– The Mediator works to keep peace in the family system, attempting to ameliorate disagreements and conflicts between other members who have been harmed by the abusive person.

Looking to broaden the range of possible solutions, these family members are creative, persistent, problem solvers, often with a good sense of humor. Although naturally empathetic and intuitive, he or she is unaware that the dysfunctional person’s thought and feeling process is abnormal, and the abusive person will become angry and potentially violent when approached.

– The Mascot or Clown uses humor, goofing around, being silly, or getting into trouble, forcing attention on his or herself, to reduce family tensions and stress caused by the abuser.

Seen as immature, the mascot is using these actions as a defense against feeling pain and fear. He or she feels powerless with what is happening and attempts to prevent family unpleasantness by their antics or comedy. This can lead to anxiousness or depression.

– The Scapegoat, the problem person, distracts attention away from family problems. By acting out, the scapegoat provokes negative attention, thus providing diversion from the abuser’s behavior. Becoming the focal point, he or she is blamed for all the dysfunction, preserving the status quo of outward appearances.

The opposite of the hero, often rejected by other family members as not fitting in, referred to as the “black sheep” of the family, his or her behavior is seen as bad and never good enough. Feeling shame, blame, constant criticism, put-downs, manipulation, and unequal treatment, the scapegoat experiences a difficult time relating to others.

– The Rescuer takes care of others’ needs and emotions, problem solving for the family. The “martyr of the family,” he or she covers for the abuser’s problems, shielding the abuser from the consequences of their actions, thus supporting the dysfunctional behavior, ensuring that it continues.  

– The Lost Child, feeling overwhelmed, unable to understand family dynamics, retreats from the dysfunction, staying out of the way. Quiet, isolated, spending much time alone on solitary activities (such as TV, internet, books) he or she may escape into a fantasy world.

Flying under the radar, this person eventually avoids all interactions and essentially disappears. While other family members play their roles in dealing with the abuser, the lost child copes by pursuing singular interests, struggling to establish and maintain relationships with others.

Not aware of what they are playing, the family roles function to maintain equilibrium. As the abuser continues his or her dysfunctional behavior, family members may end up taking on more roles. However, over time, assuming these family roles creates more problems for the individual as well as for the family unit.

Family Systems
Pioneers in the field of mental health became frustrated when individual therapy led to changes in a client, but when returned to their family, these gains were lost. Thus, the family as a system was analyzed in earnest, focusing on relationships, attachments, relationships to social systems, and dynamics of change.

Family systems therapists observe verbalizations, actions, reactions, body language and emotions between members of the family. They also explore relations to extended family, looking to see how change could be stimulated. Change in one member causes discomfort to others in the system. The family generally resists change. However, an experienced family therapist has the knowledge, techniques and abilities to facilitate change, whether it be in the whole system, or with the individual.

It is important to note, even when you are in individual therapy, the family therapist is constantly thinking about you and your relationships, so you will hear questions such as, “Who in your family agrees with you?” “What would your parent say?” “How would your brother respond to your mother?” “How would your sister respond to your changes?” “Tell me about your support system.”

Etiology
From the research, it is quite clear that parents who abuse, have themselves been abused, having experienced trauma in their childhood and family of origin. This can include: mental, emotional or physical abuse, parent struggling with substance abuse, etc.

Deprived of growing up in a safe, stable home with unconditional love of parents, this abusive experiences results in trauma. With unhealed trauma, the new parent continues the abuse pattern. This is thought to be a way of numbing out the mental and emotional pain the parent experienced in their family of origin.

Child abuse is highly correlated with addiction which occurred in the parent’s childhood. When a family experiences physical, sexual, mental, or emotional abuse, the effects of abuse are felt by each person. The family members cope with the trauma in various ways and with various methods of success.

In addition, children of abusive parents, compared to their peers, demonstrate increased rates of anxiety, depression, oppositional behavior, conduct problems, aggressive behavior, as well as lower rates of self-esteem and social competence.

Unfortunately, these dysfunctional patterns of abusive behavior pass to the next generation. Without therapy and/or intense personal introspection, leading to healing, negative emotional and behavioral patterns continue from the inception of the new family, resulting in poor outcomes for the children which continue as they grow to adulthood.

Opting for Change
Learning about family systems can help you understand the dysfunction stemming from your multi-generational patterns. You can then recognize the family relationships that have contributed to your current situations. Taking a clear and honest look at your family of origin and relationships can start the change process as you learn what role or roles you played in your family.

It is very important to understand, this is not about pointing fingers and assigning blame to family members. It is realizing that you are one part of the large, interconnected web that is your family. This is about finding answers to behavior patterns, working towards healing, setting you free from guilt and self-abasement.

This is also not an excuse to play the victim card. It is about taking a clear look at your family of origin relationships and how they have influenced your independent relationships. As you focus on your own behavior, remember, you cannot control others or force them to change.