[This is part of the series, “Living in Borderland,” in which I describe my experiences living with my Mother’s Borderline Personality Disorder, covering psychological criteria, manifestations, effects on children, family and sibling reactions, and finding help.]

“Be gone.. you have no power here.”

Visiting the Land of Oz, we hear these words from the good witch, as she laughs at the bad witch. You too can echo her words, find strength and move forward. For me, concentrated therapeutic support from an understanding and astute therapist armed me with the paradigm shift needed to move forward.

Remember, the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Mother, although she does not know it, is trapped within her self-constructed cage of self-hatred, her emptiness demanding unhealthy and dysfunctional attachments to others for survival. For you to try and reason with her, or take revenge by inflicting pain back to her, is pointless.

Here are some suggestions from therapists and others for you to consider. I have commented on what worked and what did not in my situation.

> Set and reinforce boundaries and limits. Create structure (I found this to be most important and also very difficult, especially when family members and close friends did not understand BPD)

> You may have to keep a safe distance at times. For me, this was accomplished through a wise and supportive therapist, who thankfully said, “You cannot be with your mother while you are living through a difficult divorce.”

> When visits are necessary, keep them short and structured, planning ahead: how long, where to stay, acknowledgment I would leave if negativity or tension began, activity for me such as knitting, checking email, etc.

> Self-care: sleep, exercise, nutrition (I ignored this and paid the price)
— Take breaks for deep breathing.
— Take time for activities that bring you pleasure
— Avoid toxicity on social media and in the news
— Meditate for calmness, relaxation and balance

> Practice Self-Love: (This was challenging for me, being raised with Mother’s version of religiosity.) Having compassion for yourself provides the basis to be compassionate with others. This helps you acknowledge your own suffering and find healing, rather than avoiding the pain. Suggestions:
– Journal positive things about yourself and your actions
– Keep a list of your good attributes
– Meditation on your goodness (see below for scriptures)
– Stop comparing yourself to others
– Catch negative thoughts about yourself and replace
– Hold on to belief in your own goodness
– Find loving sources (pets, cup of tea, warm bath, loving friendships – I have plants)

> Find Support: this may include family, friends, or treatment providers. Find people who believe in you. Avoid toxic people. You may have to step outside of your comfort zone and build new connections. Consider a support group. Remember, you are not alone.

> Professional Support: Attempting to cope on your own, while it may be commendable, if you continue to struggle, professional assistance is available. To acknowledge you need more help, is a sign of strength, and may be what you need at this time. (I am a quite self-reliant person, with an extensive background in the professional “helping field,” but I could not have coped without a personal therapist.)

> Additional Strategies
– Maintain your separate identity. She will not understand statements from you such as “That is your opinion,” “That is not what I want,” etc. (From experience, I learned to not engage, she did not know how to respond without controversy)
– Be aware of triggers, both yours and your mothers. Do your best to keep a potentially explosive situation from erupting.
– Disengage from conflict which just gives her fuel and keeps her connected to you. You need to break the connection, be yourself. (I found this difficult, but necessary)
–  Keep a journal to write your thoughts and feelings, especially after an upsetting interaction. 

> Some recommend the DEAR MAN technique
– Describe the situation or problem. Stick to the facts, sharing exactly what you are reacting to.
– Express your thoughts and feelings, don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel. (I did not find this to be useful with my Mother as she was unable and/or unwilling to empathize with another person)
– Assert yourself by clearly stating what you want. (Not only was very important, I had to hold the line and follow through.)
– Reinforce, clarify and explain the consequences; positive and negative. (While I reinforced the actions I was taking, explaining was a waste of time as Mother was unmovable in her positions.)
– Mindful, keep conversations focused on the present, resist distractions such as bringing up the past, changing the subject, spouting untruths.
— Keep focused on your goals.
— Maintain your position.
— You may have to say, “No,” and repeat your position
— Ignore threats or attacks, attempts to divert
(This was so common in my experiences, I got pretty good at resisting negative emotions while keeping on the subject).
– Appear confident, effective, and competent. Use your physical appearance with good body posture, and a confident voice tone, making eye contact, speaking calmy and clearly. (Very important in my situation, Mother had to perceive me as being strong.)
– Negotiation by remaining open and willing to compromise. Try being creative, finding alternative ways that will work to solve the problem. (This did not work for me as Mother did not possess the ability to compromise, steadfastly sticking to what she wanted.)

>> Remember:
– Your peace of mind comes first
– Your attempts to separate causes fear and anxiety for her
– You are not responsible for mother’s behavior

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[For those of you, who like me, were raised in fear filled religiosity, visions of a vengeful punishing God looming large, being punished for being prideful if you dared to be positive about your assets and abilities, these verses of a loving God are to get you started. You will find many more.]

* For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
* The LORD your God will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
* I will give thanks to You, because I am awesomely and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:19)
* You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:18)
* …who knows if you have been called and have been brought to the kingdom for this time?” (Esther 4:14)
* ….I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. (Jeremiah 31:3)
* Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders You have done, and the plans You have for us–none can compare to You–if I proclaim and declare them, they are more than I can count. (Psalm 40:5)
* You will indeed go out with joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. (Isiah 55:12)