[This is part of the series, “Living in Borderland,” in which I describe my experiences living with my Mother’s Borderline Personality Disorder; covering psychological criteria, manifestations, effects on children, family and sibling reactions, and finding help.]

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My therapist introduced me to the term, “Crazy Making,” a psychological concept that perfectly described the world in which I was brought up in with my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Mother, continuing through my adulthood, and now as I cared for Mother in her last years. Before therapy, and labeling Mother’s erratic behavior, I knew something was wrong with her. What a great day it was when I found out that Mother was the crazy one, not me.

Describing Crazy Making
Basically, there is no rhyme, reason, or understanding the conduct of a crazymaker. She takes pleasure manipulating and creating confusion, so that you distrust your own decisions and begin thinking you you are wrong about almost everything. Following is a list of behaviors associated with those engineering the chaos.

– Doesn’t play by the same communication and etiquette rules as the rest of us
– Is not interested in looking for solutions
– Staying in control, no matter the cost to others, is of prime importance
– Lacking empathy, she cannot see another’s situation or point of view
– Denies what she has previous said or done, despite indisputable evidence
– Believes her behavior is sound, logical and practical
– Blames you for things which you did not do, she did
– Behavior and verbalizations make no logical sense
– Intermittent attacks surprise you, so that you never know what to expect
– Pleasure is taken from sucking your life-force
– Verbalizations do not match body posture and facial expressions
– Eyes appear strange, dark, sinister, staring
– You can observe a sneer as she derives pleasure from ensnaring her victims
– You get tricked into thinking you are the crazy one, and she has obtained her goal

Tactics
The person being abused is usually quite blind to the tactics of the crazymaker, especially if the person is a close loved one or relative. The victim believes the abuser could change if she wanted to, although she cannot.

– Her strategies make you easier to control
– Victims feel like they’re caught in a whirlwind of chaos, always off balance
– Stealthy and confusing behavior makes her prey feel crazy

Her games are endless. Some of them are explored below:

> Double-binds, the most used tactic, occurs when the subject, faced with a dilemma in communication, receives contradicting messages, resulting in confusion, as follows:

– Responding to one message means failing with the other, so you will automatically be put in the wrong, regardless of your response
– Messages can be stated or implicit, or conveyed by tone of voice or body language
– Renders you unable to respond, making the conflict unresolvable, you stuck in the situation
– Negative messages are disguised in a positive message or gesture (ex. hugging a child while verbally berating)
– It can also be as subtle as a person giving a scolding look while saying, “I love you.”
– The double-bind sets you up to lose, you cannot win

> Inconsistent Praise, tends to elicit the most desired behaviors. Not only is it the best way to train animals, it has been proven to be the best way to prompt desired behaviors in humans. Crazymakers are superior at giving inconsistent praise.

– Sometimes she is so loving, present, or flattering
– Unexpectedly, you receive verbal debasing
– She keeps you confused, not knowing how to react
– She has figured this out, the power of showering inconsistent praise to maintain control
– She wants you to get hooked on her inconsistent responses

> Selective memory, she is exceptionally noted for this chaos creating behavior. The key: bringing up false memories inconsistently which serves to keep you off balance.

– Conveniently forgetting any problems you have been through together
– Denying her role in causation of past disrupted behavior
– Throwing every wrong you have ever done back at you
– You never know what falsehood she will bring up
– She will hold a grudge, but expect you to forget any mistreatment
– Selective memory is used as ammunition to further her control

> Void of Empathy,  she has no desire, and indeed lacks the ability to empathize, understand or feel what another person is experiencing. This is critical to know as you keep yourself out of a power struggle.

– Never places herself in another’s shoes or position
– Simply is not able to understand your feelings or situation
– Considers those who have empathy as being weak
– Might give you a sense she understand, but she can’t, or at least not for very long
– Will always turn the conversation back onto her own feelings or situation

Living With a Crazymaker   Here are some strategies for living with or caring for a crazymaker    (link to details).

– Detaching and seeing her from an observer’s point of view brings enlightenment
– Don’t believe she will finally treat you better; she won’t
– She needs an audience; playing into her escalates the situation
– You must stop yourself from engaging in a battle; it can save your sanity
– Setting and maintaining strong boundaries is the key
– Be gentle with yourself, you are of great worth, love and respect yourself
– You are the dance partner in her crazymaking dance, stop dancing with her

Escaping Crazymaking
What a relief for me to identify Mother’s behavior. I am not the crazy one. She was the crazy one. She never stopped her attempts to pull me into her illogical schemes, even into her ninth decade.

I will say to you, stop trying to make sense of the verbalizations and actions of the BPD person in your life. It is not possible, whether they are doing it intentionally or not. Remember, the fact that you feel something is wrong, tells you, you are not a crazy person.

[Side Issue: Crazymaking vs Gaslighting
In our current culture, there is a popular attempt to equate “crazymaking” with “gaslighting.” In my humble opinion, there is a difference, and the overuse of gaslighting is flipped out too frequently. Not taking time or effort to analyze and self-reflect on the situation, places blames and damages relationships, while allowing the verbalizer to assume a “victim stance.”

Although this is the age of google, where everybody becomes a therapist just by searching (which takes me off topic), I believe the BDP person deserves a true psychological diagnosis so that the abused person can see the truth in detail and begin to heal.

Use of words can be hugely damaging when used incorrectly, harming relationships that are not pathological. For my purposes, I am referring to a person who fits the Borderline Personality Disorder, in which crazymaking is a standard repertoire. It should also be noted, BPD intersects with narcissism, which I will cover in future blogs.]