[This is part of the series, “Living in Borderland,” in which I describe my experiences living with my Mother’s Borderline Personality Disorder; covering psychological criteria, manifestations, effects on children, family and sibling reactions, and finding help.]

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“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”
(Alice in Wonderland)

Children do not ask to be born into Borderland. They arrive in the madness, and, growing up, having nothing to compare life to, they think abuse is normal. That is, until the child is able to escape mother’s tentacles, even if only for a short time.

I was an adult before I came to know the unspoken and hidden mantra of the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother. My therapist guided me through how my childhood was affected, and how my experiences morphed into my adulthood.

It is important to understand the BPD mother’s thought processes and actions before expanding on what life is like for her children.

Characteristics of the BPD mother which I witnessed and endured.
– Abuse was experienced in mother’s own childhood
– Lacks object constancy (no internal, loving, approving, protective self)
– Relationships are intense, unpredictable, and volatile
– Drama cultivator, requiring others to maintain her drama
– Oscillates between over-involved, intrusive behaviors vs withdrawn, hostile, neglect, coldness
– Either over or under-involved in child’s life
– Perceive one child as all-good and another as no-good
– Projects contradictory feelings she is experiencing onto different children
– Demeans siblings to other siblings (more about siblings in future blogs)
– Views daughter as rival to husbands love
– Expects children to tend to her needs while neglecting the child’s needs
– Child’s normal behavior is experienced as threatening to her
– Does not allow child to have positive relationships with other people that she dislikes
– Can’t tolerate the child’s disagreement without retaliating
– Fearing abandonment, she experiences separation as rejection, locking her and her children in a struggle for survival, continuing into adulthood
– Believes it is her right as a parent to control child  
– Truly believes abusive treatment is for the child’s own good

The Child’s World, which I came to realize, grieve, and move forward.
– “Crazy Making,” describes the world in which the children of BPD Mothers live (details)
– Believing mistreatment to be normal, child tolerates abuse
– Mother purposely mis-remembers past events, making it difficult for child to gain trust
– Never sure what to expect from mother, child can become anxious, confused, fearful, untrusting
– Lacking predictability, children have no reality upon which to build self-esteem and security
– Not believing in basic goodness of people, mother transfers this to child, child loses trust
– Inconsistent feeling of being loved leads to loss of faith in humanity
– Robbed of healthy development, child develops fears of abandonment or rejection
– Develops feelings of shame and guilt from constant defamatory verbal abuse (examples I heard, “I have to beat the sin out of you,” “”You will fail,” “You’re so vain, you will go to hell”)
– Visceral responses result from the power of her venom
– When opinions differ from mother, child is punished and vilified
– Child is enlisted to fight mother’s chaos and conflict, battles which mother has instigated
– Child feels responsible for actions and feelings of others
– Despite mistreatment, child cares for mother, celebrates holidays, bring gifts, prepares meals
– Child learns early she is to always react positively to mother in order to avoid retaliation

Mother’s vacillating treatment, never knowing what to expect, affected me the most, leading to mistrusting my environment and others. One vivid example. As a young girl, practicing the piano, she would come along and slap my back so hard that my face would slam into the piano, saying, “You are slouching, you need to sit up straight.” Then the next day, she would buy me something nice, like a sweater, or zippered case for my drawing things.

The most horrendous crime, soul murder, is perpetrated by the child’s mother. Being pulled into her blackness, the child is unable to believe her mother is capable of such brutality. To survive, the child must separate, even though this will threaten the mother’s survival.

There is an escape. There is hope. The child does not need to remain a victim into adulthood. However, without insights, and typically, personal therapy, children of the BPD mother continue to experience the effects of living with trauma during the formative years. (Details coming up in: adulthood haze).

In addition to being open to accepting help from a counselor or therapist, there are ways to help yourself, explored in a previous blog.