[This is part of the series, “Living in Borderland,” in which I describe my experiences living with my Mother’s Borderline Personality Disorder; covering psychological criteria, manifestations, effects on children, family and sibling reactions, and finding help.]

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“Understanding our mother is the first step to understanding ourselves.”

I do believe it is important to try and understand what life is like for the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother. It has been said she lives in fear that she will be abandoned and can’t understand why; terrified her children and close relationships don’t care about her, and will abandon her for reasons she cannot perceive. With no sense of self, she feels empty inside, like being in a dark, locked room, a shell of a human being.

That said, therapeutic help is available for these mothers, however, she has to recognize there is a problem, that she contributes to it, and be willing to change. This did not occur for my Mother.

Moving into adulthood, it is critical to develop boundaries for yourself and maintain them. I found this very difficult to do without personal therapeutic assistance. The oscillating, unpredictable behavior and verbalizations, along with character assassinations continued, and indeed intensified.

It is important to consider BPD mother characteristics from an adult’s view before describing the resultant adult ramifications.

Characteristics that I observed and lived with:
– Her childhood traumatic experiences never discussed, she continue to ooze trauma to her adult children
– Fear of abandonment intensifies as she desperately seeks emotional control over others
– Severe anxiety triggered when adult children separate
– Continues using crazymaking tactics
– Inconsistencies intensify as mother fears being abandoned by her adult children
– Desperately tries to keep adult children emotionally trapped
– Engages in power struggles to gain control
– Pulls others, including adult children, into her darkness
– Relies on even grown up children to hold her together
– Expects adult children to nurture her and provide emotional support
– Reinforces adult children to be caretakers for her needs
– Some siblings don’t possess qualities that trigger her rage
– Expressing your opinion releases a barrage of vitriol
– Assumes you share her interests, tastes and values, shames you if you don’t
– Rewrites history and denies any wrong-doing
– Does not accept responsibility for her behavior
– Unable to love unconditionally

Consequences for Adult Children, some of which apply to me, others for you to consider:
– Appears old before his or her time
– Difficulty differentiating
– Being “good” means don’t disagree, even as an adult
– Questioning own view of reality due to mother lying about what occurred during childhood
– Grows up believing other people are inconsistent and not to be trusted
– Unaware as to their own personal wants and feelings, puts others needs before their own
– Experiences difficulties forming healthy and safe relationships
– Trouble with intimacy, constantly fearful others will turn unpredictably
– May suffer from extreme anxiety
– Extraordinarily sensitive to criticism
– Excessively says, “I’m sorry,” even without cause, due to poor self-image
– Difficulty accepting positive attention and care from others
– Great feelings of shame and guilt mother started in childhood intensify
– Becomes very good at reading other people’s feelings, attempting to predict what they want
– Easily assume the role of fixer and nurturer for whole family and friends
– Become the one friends lean on, telling their problems, providing a sense of worth and purpose
– Conflicts among siblings are common, as each lived a different relationships with the same BDP mother (more about siblings in future blogs)
– Siblings don’t realize what others suffered, and what they are continuing to live through
– Confusion because mother can be friendly with and help others
– To feel accepted or loved, continues caring for mother’s emotional and physical needs, catering to her demands

Remember:
– She cannot be satisfied, you cannot win
– Without boundaries, she will be intrusive and invade your privacy
– You can’t trust her, you never know what to expect
– She will say it didn’t happen, when you know the event did happen
– You will always be blamed
– If you try to point out her behavior, expect her to lash out with either stone-cold silence, or a strong verbal lashing
– She believes she was justified in abusive punishment to you as a child. I heard from my Mother, “I had to hurt you to break your will,  “You have too much patience with your children, I just snapped and spanked you to get you to do what I wanted.”
– She will not listen to how she might have caused emotional or physical harm.
– You will need to Ignore meaningless statements such as, “Excuse me for living, “Well, I just don’t matter,” “Nobody cares about me.” She is trying to have you fill her empty, void space inside.
– Other people, not seeing the side of her you see, will tell you how great she is.

Healing
Thick scar tissue covered the wounds inflicted by my Mother. These soul wounds are not like skin which has pores to let out toxins. Soul scars shield and disguise what is underneath, requiring, for most, professional therapeutic assistance. Rarely can we see what is in our underlying hearts.

For you to consider:
– Understanding her seems impossible, because it is
– Accurate information is critical
– As a child, you could not change, please or protect her; nor can you do so as an adult
– Physical separation alone will not heal; the woundings from emotional abuse remain
– Others cannot imagine the manipulativeness you have lived with and continue to live with
– Hold on to positive feelings about yourself
– Look for positive relationships, don’t sacrifice your own life

Resiliency, one of my favorite words, the importance of developing this cannot be overstated. I have been blessed with a generous amount, through a combination of genetics, lived experiences, and therapy. I am most grateful, as this gives me the ability to move forward, and share with others what I have learned.

You too can become a person of resilience as research indicates. In addition to being open to accepting help from a therapist, there are ways to develop. I am talking about the ability to recover from mental or emotional turmoil, including:
– Moving forward from difficult and challenging life experiences; physical, mental, emotional
– Developing coping strategies
– Becoming flexible and adjusting to external as well as internal demands
– Viewing and engaging the world through your own perspective
– Maintaining boundaries, no longer dependent on external validation
– You are in control, others cannot drain your energy
– Seeking and pursue peace

Spiritually Speaking
For me, and for many others, we come through a long and arduous journey to a belief in God, His light and love (details in upcoming blog).

May you also find:
– Fear replaced with faith
– A true source of hope, courage, love
– Your heart softened
– Ability to grieve and forgive (details coming up)
– Your mind not cynical and critical of others
– Resiliency in facing challenging adversity

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References
– Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship (Christine Ann Lawson, 2000).
– Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem (Kimberlee Roth, 2004).