[This is part of the series, “Living in Borderland,” in which I describe my experiences living with my Mother’s Borderline Personality Disorder; covering psychological criteria, manifestations, effects on children, family and sibling reactions, and finding help.]

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“The first thing we must understand in life is our mother.”

The great paradigm shift towards understanding Mother and her behaviors came from reading, Understanding the Borderline Mother (Lawson, 2000), as recommended by my therapist. Although I had been in the mental health professions for decades, I finally began to see my Mother from a clinical diagnostic perspective.

Here I will share background information about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and the indications in my Mother. In other blogs I share specifics related to my experiences with Mother.

BPD has been defined as, “a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity” (APA). Behaviors can appear subtle, not easily recognizable. (I am aware of the controversy surrounding this diagnosis, a topic for another day. I will say that identifying these behaviors was greatly beneficial for my recovery.)

General Characteristics
Appearing normal to casual acquaintances and some family members, identifying BPD is confusing and difficult. To me, the identifying factor, Mother’s incongruence and unpredictability in displaying emotions and behavior; never knowing what to expect.

In addition:
– An overarching need to maintain control at all costs 
– Acting differently around different people, including her own children
– Lacking empathy, putting her own needs first
– Not feeling guilt or remorse, believing she is innocent of all wrong doings
– Feels betrayed and attacked when others don’t validate her feelings or opinions
– Sense of self depends on relationships with others and external factors
– Underlying external locus of control

Locus of control refers to a person’s belief about how their lives are controlled. Those with external locus of control act as though factors outside of themselves control their life. Standing in opposition are those with internal focus of control, believing in personal agency and ability to affect change. In Mother’s case, lacking secure self-identity, she lived in fear of not being in control, constantly having to manipulate her environment and those in proximity to her to maintain stability.

Four Subtypes The BPD mother may exhibit characteristics from more than one type, which was the case with Mother.

The Waif is characterized by projection of helplessness
– With no underling foundation of self-worth or self-esteem, she constantly feels inferior
– Does not see herself as competent regardless of her level of education, intelligence or employment (Pointing out her intelligence just drew me into Mother’s web)
– Darkness within leads to her playing the victim, as she draws energy in from others
– Victim of childhood abuse
– Life’s motto, “Life is too hard.” (I often heard, “Nobody cares about me,” “My life is so much worse than yours,” “You are so lucky,” etc.) 
– She can have it together for a short period of time, which is confusing
– Destroys or loses valuable things (This happened all the time until I realized this was another method of gaining control)
– Desires frequent medical visits (Mother frequently needlessly wanted to go to an array of specialists, until I established boundaries, for which the doctors thanked me.)
 – Alternates between indulgence and negligence with her children

 The Hermit emits fearfulness; life is too dangerous
– Terrified of losing control, she develops a hard external shell for protection, becoming possessive and over controlling
– Having been hurt or violated as a child, she projects her own shame and disgrace onto her children
– Pulls her children into her shell, projecting fears to them, believing she is protecting from danger
– Terrified of being rejected, she has no internal mechanisms for calming or self-soothing
– Her fear is truly incomprehensible to others as she spins invisible webs to protects herself
– Always on edge, anxious, lacking ability to self calm, her anxiety too diffused to be managed
– Inner chaos evident in home cluttered with newspapers, magazines, unfinished projects (Mother was a champion hoarder as detailed in previous blogs and here)
– Master at guilting others, inducing them to fulfill her wishes
– Must have control over her death as well as her life (which I observed and will detail in a later post)

 The Queen’s motto, “Life is all about me,” underlies her controlling and demanding behavior.
– Lacking patience, she shows little tolerance when frustrated
– Feeling she was robbed as child, she now feels entitled to take what she needs
– Driven by feelings of emptiness, she can’t be filled up emotionally
– Establishes relationships only with those who can be controlled, including her children
– Intrusive, feels entitled to violate others boundaries, exploiting with no remorse
– Unpredictable; kind, generous and considerate one day; unreasonable, irritable and despondent the next
– Needs and thrives on admiring responses
– Competes with children for time, attention, love, money
– Preoccupied with self-image and image of children, placing them on display

The Witch is described as sadistic, full of darkness, exhibiting annihilating rage.
– Her hostility is masked by a strange smile, eyes narrowed, lips in a smirk
– Filled with self-hatred, having survived childhood abuse, dwells on how she was hurt, not recognizing her children’s trauma
– Will sacrifice children to save herself, turning on them, setting traps, ridicule, humiliate, then enjoy watching them suffer
– Not recognizing the personhood of others, attacks randomly without warning, violating other’s boundaries
– Can’t relax, has to degrade and cause controversy (being trapped with Mother in a car was the worst, until I learned to manage)
– Feels justified in her actions, lacks guilt or true remorse, no genuine being sorry
– Her self-righteous justification is based on religious dogma, clinging to the belief that she has done nothing wrong (more on religiosity coming).

Compared with Narcissism
In future blogs, I will share details about narcissism in relation to Mother. Here I briefly share the major distinguishing factor, and overlapping commonality.

In general, the BPD mother controls and manipulates her children at all times, pushing them to take responsibility for her actions. The narcissistic mother, on the other hand, lacks the BPD mother’s dependency on her child; instead, she is simply indifferent about her child’s welfare.

By finding the above information and applying to my background and current status at the time, I proved once again that a therapist who can figure out others, cannot figure out what is happening to themselves.

I am forever grateful for my therapist who led me to books and other information, brought meaning making into focus, provided me with invaluable insights, and led me to strategies promoting healing.

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references
— Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship (Christine Ann Lawson, 2000