Sibling relationships can last longer and be more supportive than any other connection. That is, of course, if the adults are able to move past childhood relationships and perceptions, recognize, interact and celebrate the adult each sibling has become.

Unfortunately, releasing childhood conflicts and animosities that occurred among siblings is difficult in most families, and regrettably, hasn’t happened in my experience, a testimonial to the reach and detrimental control Mother still exhibits, even beyond the grave. 

Mother’s borderline personality disorder (BPD), manifested in her insatiable need to exert control and create chaos, stimulating friction and faction, giving her the fuel needed to fill her internal empty black hole. Sadly, this turmoil resulted in siblings’ distorted interpretations which have not been satisfactorily resolved.

For example, we were not allowed to be with each other, talk, communicate, resolve issues; the things siblings are supposed to do to prepare for life. In addition, Mother, a master manipulator, played us against each other, falsifying what one of us said to the other, continuing until the day she passed from this earthly life.

Despite my best efforts to stop the triangulation, making sure all my communication was in writing, including  all parties, my siblings were too emotional to take time to figure out the truth about what Mother said, just as they are unable to accept the truth about what a destructive schemer our Mother was.

There are many factors influencing how siblings relate to each other, including: perceived parental favoritism, age differences, the role each child assumes, order of birth. If not resolved, these factors in turn affect adult relationships with their siblings and connections with others.

Each child has to find a role to play within the family structure, demonstrating uniqueness and self-identity. This may include: hero, enabler, mediator, mascot, scapegoat, rescuer, lost child (details). It is important to know that as people mature, and self-reflect, roles can change. Unfortunately, adult siblings tend to think of each other as still in the family of origin roles.

Characteristics associated with birth order can also lend understanding and relevance. With our society’s fluid family systems and structure, birth order differences are not as easily discernable and not always applicable. However, I believe there is relevance and insights to be gained

The order a child is born in their family can have a profound and lasting influence on psychological and personality development, style of life, personal relationships, and work. The conceptualization, developed in the 20th century by Alfred Adler, sought to answer the question, “Why do children, who are raised in the same family, grow up with very different personalities?”

It must be pointed out there are numerous other contributing factors playing a major role in development, including: health and intelligence of the child, family functioning, community and social aspects, spacing or gap between the children, role of father and mother, etc.

Birth order categories including: first born, middle child, youngest child, are associated with the following general descriptions and characteristics.

First born: authoritarian, feels entitled to power, finds themselves in leadership positions as adults.
controlling / conscientious / cautious / reliable / achievers / structured

Middle Child: squeezed between older and younger siblings, feel they’ve been robbed of position of significance within the family and can become competitive or rebellious.
even-tempered / able to compromise between family members / peace makers / people pleaser / social butterfly

(I facilitated keeping the peace, intensifying through the last five years of Mother’s life, at a great detriment to me, from which I am now, several years later, just recovering)

Youngest Child: baby position is never taken away, becomes spoiled by parents and older siblings, wants to become bigger instead of being the perpetual baby.
makes plans that don’t pan out / fun-loving / attention-seeking / outgoing / self-centered

There is no doubt that how a person is raised affects sibling relationships into adulthood. This can still be seen in people into their 60’s and 70’s, with phrases such as, “Mother always liked you better,” “Will you ever grow up and become responsible?” “Please, can we all just get along?”

Considering the role each child played, and the birth order of each siblings aids in understanding how the past is influencing the present, giving hope to healthier future sibling relationships.