As the old adage says, “Words are cheap,” and never more so than when you hear, “I forgive you,” with no change in the person’s behavior. Perhaps this comes from other words ingrained in our culture, in the words of Jesus,  “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us,” which we all know and automatically recite, even if this is now very passé.

Forgiveness is not a simple, one time act. I have explored the concept of forgiveness in depth several times in the past decades of my life, even attending a three day workshop for mental health clinicians. I recently ran across something I wrote a while ago when I was in intensive therapy.

When Forgiveness is Not Enough

“The crystal ball burst, a super-nova exploding into space, exposing my naked, innocent self. I watch the glittering explosion marking the beginning of my new life. I have been fighting my mother’s battles since my birth. At 3:12 a.m., Tuesday morning, in September, I won the final skirmish, ending the decades year war. What I did not foresee was the battle to maintain my ground. That began at 9:58 a.m.”

Eight years later, back in therapy, caring for Mother in the last years of her life, I wrote:   

“Akin to Alice, I am no stranger to living in a crazy-making world. For the first time, the sweet taste of freedom. That soon passes as I confront the frightening prospect of entering the world as my true self .”

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I will give you my conclusions regarding forgiveness, followed by reasoning and examples. True forgiveness involves the other person’s acknowledgment of the hurtful action, contriteness, and reciprocal forgiveness. Unfortunately, this is often rare. As we teach in counseling 101, you cannot force a person to change, but you can take measures to heal yourself.  

Very Important: Deciding to forgive doesn’t mean you’re dismissing or justifying the pain someone has caused you. It will however create space in your mind and heart for true joy. I am talking about releasing anger and resentment, not going back to the same relationship or harmful behaviors you experienced from others; you are free from their control.

In the words of Jakes, “I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself.“

Forgiveness is a Process: Small and big hurts may pop up again and again, needing to be revisited and forgiven again. When a person cannot do this alone, professional help may be necessary.  

Resentment and bitterness can linger for years, even if a person believes they have moved on or forgotten about it. It is important to remember that forgiveness can help you find deep healing for your very soul. 

Self-Forgiveness:  For me and others, the process of self-forgiveness can be a challenge, due to religiosity and/or hurtful words from family members and others. However, being kind and loving towards yourself is part of the healing process.

Firm in your self acceptance, you will have a better grasp in understanding the situations you have lived through. You need to see clearly and understand your experiences as you pursue your healing. Forgiveness, in whatever form you decide to take, is for your benefit and health.

Being Realistic:  Do not take responsibility for the other person’s harmful actions. You may need a therapist to help you ferreted this out, as I did on multiple occasions.