What Forgiveness is NOT
– Forgetting: if you forget the wrongdoing, you might find yourself in the same situation again
– Condoning: the wrongdoing is not okay, don’t accept it
– Denying or Minimizing: you can move on, but this does not make the wrongdoing any less hurtful
– Pardoning: when appropriate, you can seek justice
– Reconciliation: this is not a requirement, you choose whether to have this person in your life
– Repression: your feelings are valid, release this negativity

Reasons to Forgive
Unforgiveness festers, taking root in a person’s heart, infecting all areas of life.

When you forgive, you clear space for: Healthier relationships / Improved mental health / Less anxiety and stress / Lower blood pressure / Fewer symptoms of depression / Stronger immune system / Improved heart health / Improved self-esteem

Forgiveness is to help you minimize the pain caused by the person who hurt you, not for the benefit of the wrongdoer.

How to Forgive
You have to let go of anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge; which is easier said than done. Some suggestions I have found helpful:

– Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation, talk with a person you’ve found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend
– Be aware that forgiveness is a process, even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.

Most of the suggestions I have found do not apply to people such as Mother with borderline personality disorder and narcissistic components. In fact, what is suggested is often the very opposite of what you should do. However, here is a potential model.

Robert Enright, author of, Forgiveness is a Choice, outlines four steps of forgiveness.
– Anger: explore how you have dealt with or avoided your emotions
– Decide: make the decision to forgive, admit ignoring or trying to cope with the offense hasn’t worked, and forgiveness may offer a way forward
– Compassion: ask if this act was malicious in intent or circumstantial  
– Release: let go of harmful emotions, reflect on your growth from hurtful experiences and how the act of being able to forgive has freed you

Scientific Methods 
Just as I was ready to move on and put this post “to bed,” I perused google and found out, forgiveness is more complicated than I previously thought. Science and research is taking forgiveness out of the spiritual realm, or perhaps just enhancing our ability to heal and move on from hurtful situations and acts.

I have some problems with much of what I read. The suggestions may work for lesser aggrievances. However, for those who have been harmed by people who do not possess the ability to forgive, such as those with borderline personality disorder or narcissism, it is my opinion you could just be wallowing through the mire.

I did find the delineation of two types of forgiveness useful.
– Decisional: make a decision to not seek revenge or retribution, not wanting to cause the person an equal level of pain
– Emotional: takes longer to achieve, aiming for neutral or no more negative emotions towards the person, often requiring professional assistance

Closing Thoughts
Like me, you may find yourself engaged in “partial forgiveness,” whereby the other person does not reciprocate. However, for your own mental health, when the bad memories surface, process the memories, perhaps utilizing techniques suggested above, often repeatedly, seeking professional help if needed. This will help you be more healthy in yourself and in your other relationships.