We all lie somewhere along the pathway from Empath, to Normal, to Narcissist; including every conceivable gradient in between each nodule. I am starting this exposé with narcissism, working my way backwards to empath.

Narcissism exists on a spectrum, ranging from displaying an occasional narcissistic trait, all the way to diagnosable pathology. Keep in mind, some narcissistic traits are typical of certain ages, for example, toddlerhood and teenage years.

[There is overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which I have already covered in-depth as related to Mother; and in future posts I will elaborate further on the connection between BPD and NPD.]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of ten personality disorders delineated in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) which is the standard mental health professional use to diagnose mental conditions.

Generally, the NPD person exhibits:
– inflated sense of their own importance; they’re the best, most successful, competent, in every situation
– deep need for constant attention and admiration; depending on external validation; they can never get enough
– sense of entitlement; always expecting special treatment, feeling superior to everyone and believe others should comply with their demands
– believe grandiose ideas about themselves; embellish and exaggerate talents, successes and achievements; outright lying
– easily upset by the slightest criticism; cannot handle any critique; cannot admit mistakes; blames others; problems are the fault of everyone else
– lacks empathy for others; unable to recognize and understand feelings of others; can’t put themselves in the other person’s shoes
– shallow relationships; takes advantages and exploits people to achieve their own goals; caring for others is superficial; belittles or bullies others, not being affected by their responses
– self-absorbed, arrogant; insist on having the best of everything, monopolize conversations, looks down on “inferior” others, associates only with those deemed to be special, successful, talented.

Subtypes  Clinically speaking, it should be noted that there is a broad spectrum of presentable traits with NPD, each with varying levels of severity.
– Covert: instead of craving spotlight and continual admiration, tend to be shy, envious, thinking their suffering is worse than anyone else’s, hypersensitive to how they are perceived
– Cerebral; believe they are smarter than everyone else, deriving their self-importance from their intellect
– Somatic; self-worth comes from their bodies; obsessing over physical appearance, critical of others based on their looks
– Spiritual; uses spirituality or religion to intimidate or justify harmful behaviors to others; overemphasizes their level of spirituality or closeness to God.
– Grandiose or overt; stereotypical, attention-seeking, over-the-top
– High-functioning; uses traits such as competitiveness and exploitation to succeed in a profession or endeavor

Causes
– “By definition, personality disorders are developed over time, through childhood experiences, genetics, and environment”
– cannot be diagnosed with a blood test, MRI, or exact scale
– research shows less volume of gray matter in the left anterior insula, the part of the brain related to empathy, emotional regulation, compassion, and cognitive functioning
– may occur when interpersonal development is compromised:
— being born with an oversensitive temperament
— learning manipulative behavior from parents or peers
— excessively praised for good behaviors & excessively criticized for bad behaviors
— severe childhood abuse or neglect
— inconsistent or unpredictable parental caregiving
— unrealistic expectations from parents
— excessively pampered or overindulged by parents, peers, or family members
— excessively admired, no realistic feedback to ground with reality
— excessive praise from parents or others, focusing on looks or abilities
– there is no known way to prevent the condition

Relationships With a NPD
If you find yourself feeling confused and frustrated much of the time, whether in a friendship, with a significant other, at work, at school, or in a financial situation, you may be in the company of someone who has NPD.

People are often attracted by the NPD person’s energy, excitement, confidence, and assertiveness, which can be hard to resist. However, once the “love bombing” phase is over, your relationship may leave you “walking on eggshells,” waiting for the “other shoe to drop.” You would be living with their:
– changing moods and behavior
– need to exert control and intimidate you
– sense of entitlement and gaslighting
– lack of empathy, disregarding your needs, concerns, and feelings.

The traits that drew you to a person eventually become negatives as you notice growing unemotional responses, including cruelty to others, the person’s grandiose beliefs and their lack of empathy toward others. Your emotional distress intensifies and you become overwhelmed with trying to understand and, “make things work.”

This can leave you feeling anxious, affecting your well-being and mental health, damaging your self-esteem. If you are questioning your self-perception, worthfulness and sanity; get help as soon as possible, from a trusted source, or more probably, from a professional who understands NPD

Unfortunately, not all therapists understand NPD and the affects they have on their victims. Many suggestions from professionals do not apply to the clinically diagnosed NPD person. I will share some suggestions, including my comments, having shared life with many of these individuals, until I understood the internal reasoning of narcissists from an empathetic point of view.

– Schedule time for yourself to recharge (relaxation techniques, meditation, nature walks, warm bath, eating healthy foods). This is always good for everybody and will give you space to lessen your emotionality and logically take a look at what you are living with
–  Conversations with a NPD are manipulative, one-sided and superficial, they view you as an inanimate object. To get out of the situation will most like require communication.
— use a calm, respectful voice (avoid your emotions)
— avoid saying, “you never…” or “you always…” which triggers defensiveness  
— use “I” statements to share how you feel and what you want [I have not found this to be effective with a truly NPD person, they lack empathy and ability to put themselves in the other person’s shoes]
— know your boundaries and stand up for them. [This is tricky, you may trigger violence and you may need legal and/or therapeutic assistance]
— “gray rocking,” do not respond when the NPD person tries to pick a fight or trigger an emotional reaction [I needed much professional assistance to accomplish this before I found freedom]
— build resilience, fostering self-esteem and confidence, most usually with professional therapeutic assistance.

The above comes from a mental health professional point of view. Next will cover categories and ways to cope with a narcissistic person from a lay persons point of view, sharing techniques for living and dealing with a NPD person in the real world.