[I will share here what I have learned and what has helped me become free of Mother’s, and others spells.]

The dance you are doing with the narcissist must stop. First, you must truly understand what you are trying to get rid of (explored fully in previous posts). With this understanding, you are ready to prepare for battle and find victory.

in the heart vs head (HvH) battle, you must jolt yourself out of the fog of emotional thinking into the land of logic. [This became a paradigm shifting, lightbulb moment for me]. As you discipline yourself to apply logic, you prevent emotions from engulfing you. There will be skirmishes, but you will win.

Be prepared, this is not easy.
– You will waver between acceptance and grief, mourning the loss of a relationship, what you thought was true about the person
– Your emotions churn: hurt, love, passion, fear, anger, upset
– A tsunami of longing will try to swamp you.
– You will make gains and suffer losses, make breakthroughs, have tidal waves swamp you

As you shift to cool hard logic and critical thinking, you are able to analyze and assess what you have been living through. Moving from emotionality to rationality, you gain precious understanding and you lessen the hold of the narc over you.

Train your mind to stop drifting memories. This thrusts you back into emotionality, making you vulnerable again. Disciplining your mind takes time and effort, but it does become easier. When memories pop up, do not let them linger, train your mind to reject.

You are living a new reality, comprehending what has happened to you, accepting what you were actually dealing with. Accept it. Stop the reflection and ruminations. Stop the “what if” questions. She wants you to be unable to accept that a person could act like that. You did not really know her, she can’t be fixed. 

And, unfortunately, a side effect to watch for; you will most likely face a smear campaign with friends and family not able to acknowledge what has happened [This continues still in my life].

Concrete Actions
One of the things I found most useful was “harnessing the power of quick distraction.” Stop what you are doing and do something different. Physically moving shifts your thought process.

When the undesirable thoughts come, here are some shifts you can make: (pg 73)
– Watching TV – Move to the kitchen and make a drink
– Waiting for food to cook – Call a friend
– Sitting in your car driving – Turn on the radio for music or talk
– In the shower – Start singing
– Walking down the street – Phone a friend or listen to music
– Reading a book – Get up and start tidying up
– Working at your desk – Get up and walk, talk to somebody
– While shopping – Buy the next blue or green item you see

More practical actions you can take.
– Remove “eternity thinking”: You will not always feel like this, things will change, this will not last forever, you are making progress and have taken a huge step forward.
– Maintain your new found boundaries: Reinforce these boundaries, assert with confidence; This gives you a sense of grounding, lessening the sensation of being out of control, reducing anxiety and paralysis
– Create new associations: Do the things you used to enjoy without the toxicity; create new experiences, establishing new cognitive links
– Adopt realism: Progress may plateau, you may slide back a bit; keep repeating your understanding of the narc’s characteristics; keep taking constructive steps.
– You are pushing a boulder uphill, overcoming inertia. Stop, notice and celebrate your progress. Your path forward will become easier as the cumulative effects of your understanding and constructive steps you are taking coalesce and take hold. 
– Avoid answers from unproductive sources: Trust yourself; though well-meaning, most people and unfortunately most professionals, do not understand what you are dealing with. [I was very fortunate to have a therapist who believed me and began my road to understanding and healing.]
– Forums can become wallowing holes where people are ranting with no constructive answers, frustrating you, replaying what happened to you over and over again.

Above all: Employ the “no contact rule;” this is your key and weapon to freedom. While the narc continues crazy making, you now have what you need to purge the infection from your heart and soul. [Caveat: full no contact is not always possible, but you now have understanding and tools as you continue your freedom journey.]

Moving Forward
You accept you have been infected, you have the tools to escape, and you are now in the process of exorcising the narc from all aspects of your life.

Your mind is set to be aware of memory triggers attempting to ensnare you again. Cast thoughts out quickly before emotions take hold.

For a time, you may have a lack of desire to do anything. Moping or wallowing puts you at risk. Begin building networks. Find new ways to fill the time as you watch for vulnerable moments.

Remember, once you escape the narc’s possession, they don’t give up. The narc has had a massive impact on your life and they will continue trying to exert control through hoovering. Be prepared for an on-going process.

Focus on your accomplishments & achievements. Your vulnerability to manipulation most likely is due to childhood exploitation & vulnerabilities. This causes you to be drawn to narcs. You are no longer a child, you are an adult, you can take action & make choices.

[I am finally moving on from the narcissistic exposé, with apologies for getting stalled here. Coming up, “cleaning up the messes,” and then finally moving on to “veneer christianity.”]