It fell to me to initiate, explore, coordinate and complete Mother’s end of life plans. None of this was easy. In fact, it was quite stressful, but it had to be done, and I am the sibling that always took care of crises.

Her primary care nurse-practioner was particularly helpful, discussing options with Mother and guiding me to forms that proved to be very useful. These included DNR (do not resuscitate), and advanced end of life medical directives. These we got signed and notarized.

Then there was the funeral service planning, except now it is call “memorial” or “life celebration” service. Here the chaplain at Mother’s retirement complex supplied me with sample forms. I approached gradually, and Mother supplied her favorite hymns, scripture, who would officiate, who would be notified, what music would be played, who would speak.

Funeral Planning
Then there was the funeral home visit, which I had to do on my own, it being too much for my siblings. Here I was provided with even more forms which proved to be very helpful. This episode provoked mixed emotions in me. Parts of the experience were humorous, as I was the first customer for the young lady facilitating my visit, and at one point we got to giggling (common reaction to grief), and the owner stepped in. They were all very gracious and understanding, showing me through all the options, and explaining all the decisions that would need to be made.

This experience also brought back memories from the past for me. Mother being a PK (preacher’s kid) had to attend all the funerals, and in fact the family all provided the music. So, when she became a parent, she decided her children were not going to go to any funerals.

The first funeral I attended was that of my grandmother. The second of my father. For some reason, Mother reversed her thinking and was determined my four year old son was going to go see his grandfather in the casket in the front of the church, even though I had told Mother, that I would do the explaining and viewing. However, she forcefully grabbed his hand from me and marched him right up there. I was flabbergasted, but shouldn’t have been, and knowing what I know now, wouldn’t have been.

Interestingly, I became, and am still, the go to person when my friends and other family members need support through death and funerals.