5 golden years

my thoughts

  • sorrow and hope, with an eulogy for mother

    As I previously shared, towards the end of my five years caring for Mother, with little help and often downright antagonism from my siblings, pleading for assistance (release some of her finances or move to assisted living), continually ignored, I followed sage advice, “You will lose yourself if you don’t get out.” After telling my…

  • planning for the end

    It fell to me to initiate, explore, coordinate and complete Mother’s end of life plans. None of this was easy. In fact, it was quite stressful, but it had to be done, and I am the sibling that always took care of crises. Her primary care nurse-practioner was particularly helpful, discussing options with Mother and…

  • journey from religiosity

    As previously shared, I have observed and lived with the disconnect between being quoted scripture and the person’s life actions. Mother was a woman devoted to her brand of christianity, constantly quoting Scripture, moralizing to her family, friends, anybody around her. On Mother’s behalf, her father, revived from near alcoholic induced death, became a “hell…

  • more manipulations

    With some time elapsed, my mind clearer, I now wonder at my responses to some of the following. I will say that, just as I had vowed to not let bitterness overtake me when disentangling from an unhealthy relationship; so too, I vowed not to become bitter, or at least not stay bitter towards Mother…

  • thickening fog

    As it drew closer to the end of Mother’s life, the effects of her major TIA episode, along with continuing bouts with lack of oxygen became more apparent. [transient ischaemic attack (tia), occurs when there is a disruption in the blood supply to a part of the brain, resulting in a temporary period of symptoms…

  • mother’s backstory

    As I watched Mother suffer multiple hospitalizations due to congestive heart failure, pulmonary fibrosis and stenosis, resulting in stroke-like brain injuries, she shared details of her life which I had never known before. Growing up during the depression, Mother’s childhood was one of depravity in multiple ways. Her family was very poor, her father being…

  • addictive family effects

    Mother was terrified of alcoholism and regularly regaled us with its evils. We often heard about her friends who became alcoholics after cooking with wine. What is more plausible is the story of her father, after WWI, in a drunken stupor, almost died, saw hell, quickly reformed and became a “hell fire and brimstone” circuit…

  • the why of it

    In the midst of caring for Mother, her negative verbalizations and erratic behavior were so intense, I did not have time to process. I just felt it was my duty as a daughter. I am compassionate, and a soft heart can leave a person vulnerable to abuse. After I was free, I began questioning: “Why…

  • dissociating

    Where do I start? Throughout my childhood I was just surviving, not attempting to make sense of what Mother was doing or why was she doing it. With all of the physical and verbal abuse, I quickly learned to distance myself, dissociate, although I was not able to label it as such until as an…

  • anatomy of a hoarder

    Nature abhors a vacuum (Aristotle), and we all find ways to fill emptiness in our lives and in our souls. It can become a constant battle, especially for those living with hoarders. When it became clear that Mother could not live alone (convincing her of this is another subject). It fell to me to clear…