People had no idea, or simply could not understand what was going on behind the scenes as I cared for Mother. I will do my best to elaborate, but in my experience, you have to live it to get it.

As she deteriorated physically and mentally, Mother should have been in assistive care, but my siblings did not understand what I was telling them, “she is not independent, she only appears so because I am there all the time, diffusing the problems she is causing, doing her laundry, getting food & supplies, getting her to appointments multiple times per week, helping her entertain visitors, getting her meds straight, correcting her lies to doctors, etc.”

Mother being manipulative throughout her life time continued feeding untrue storylines to friends and family. Unfortunately, my siblings did not communicate with me long enough to discover the truth. Or, they simply could not deal with Mother as they have their own issues related to mother and our family dysfunction.

As a mostly self-contained person, I found myself unable to deal with the inconsistencies and intensity of being around Mother. Although, as a life-long person in the mental health field, I am fully aware of mind-body-emotion connection, I did not take the time for myself, to defuse anxiety, set proper boundaries early. Rather, the anxiety built and I suffered significant setbacks before I finally extradited myself.

I attempted to get some relief multiple times. In desperation, I gave my siblings the ultimatum, “If you won’t release some of Mother’s money to get outside assistance a few hours twice a month, or if you won’t contribute $25 to $50 a month, I will move.”  In the end, I moved 2,000 miles across country.

I have known friends and other family members who cared for aging parents and loved ones. I never understood why they looked haggard, worn-out, exhausted by what they were going through. But I “got it” through my five years with Mother, including her multiple hospitalizations and near-death episodes, which, remarkably, she would pull through.